You Win Some, You Lose Some
I kind of doubt that I’m unique as the adult child of divorced parents who isn’t totally comfortable with this “holiday”concept. Maybe the slightly rarer detail is that my parents have been divorced since I’ve been an adult, but frankly, in this case, I actually think that makes this aspect worse. I get all of the awkwardness of new family units, all of the jealousy of parents forced to split time with their children, and none of the joys stemming from the creation of memories with some “new” family unit founded (disturbingly) at some point during my childhood. Translation: I’m lucky if only one parent is jealous of the time the other has been allotted for any given holiday, I always feel like a stranger in either parent’s home, and all the while, there are kooky reminders of what “used to be.”
This holiday – and actually, frankly, quite a few holidays – one parent gets worked up in some passive-aggressive manner about the time spent with the other parent, while the second parent really doesn’t “get” any of it. Maybe this was a symptom of the failure of their marriage to begin with, but I digress. I sit at my father’s house, the passing of hours punctuated by the same grandfather clock that punctuated the hours of my youth. Days are filled with the same car-care, home improvement activities of my youth. The same evening rounds of James Bond, the same beer brewing sessions. But the home in which all of this occurs? Bears no resemblance to my own. There is no comfort here. It’s like a hotel where they moved in all of the activities and occasional samples of some far-distant, fake home.
Continental breakfast is served at 7am.
The other home? Another hotel. This hotel feels more like home in some aspects. The meals I’m fed warm my stomach and soul in the same way as the holiday meals of my childhood, but there’s something not quite right. There are just enough things in this home that make it not quite home. Things that are not ours. Mine. Uneasy.
And every year, I fight this split. Manage and minimize feelings. Part of me cries on the inside because none of this….none of this….is a family holiday anymore. “Home is where the heart is” is a truer than true cliche, but for either parent to think they, alone, harbor that home, is simply naive. Holidays now are fractured, horrific, and sad – while everyone wanders around acting like it’s “OK.” And likely, for my parents in their new lives, new homes, with new spouses, it IS ok – and they want me to share in that. I don’t begrudge them that. But it’s not a drag and drop. These homes, these people – they are not my family. They are intruders. Necessary intruders to be managed. At least one of them doesn’t get that – while I’m happy for them – it’s never the same. It’s all obligation. Management. Someone is always unhappy. And – it’s usually not me. Because at this point, I’m mostly numb to it.
Family holidays that aren’t family and are only holidays because the calendar dictates.
More and more it makes me want to leave it all, have my own family and my own traditions. Or, insert myself into J’s family where the traditions are comprehensive, in one tight little bundle rather than spread over two households and two states.
Can you blame me?
I’m 32 and I’m the adult child of divorced parents.
I’ll try this again (apologies if it’s a double post)…
{{{Hugs}}} I love this post, not for its content, which is heartbreaking, but for its honesty.
As I get older, I’m starting to think that the holidays are a farce…for everybody in one way or another. Although my parents and Robert’s parents are still married, there are other factors that make the holidays sometimes difficult to bear.
Like with Heather’s post about not looking forward to Thanksgiving, her own self-proclaimed favorite holiday, I fully support you doing whatever you need to create your own traditions so that the holiday has the joy and anticipation and happy memories that your family holidays are lacking.
I have nothing to offer here but sympathy. My parents are still together. So are Chris’s parents. My issue this holiday season is to navigate the minefield without letting on how much my parents have hurt me this past year. They aren’t doing it intentionally, but they have succeeded in making me feel like something they would like to scrape off of their shoe since my brother’s wife made them grandparents in April.
Too bad you can’t pick your family … Hang in there. I think making your own traditions with J sounds like a fantastic idea.
(((Hugs))) Even though it’s not my parents that are divorced, it’s Jason’s parents, I still know what you are going through. We always manage to make one parent mad when we do something with the other parent and we feel uncomfortable in either of their homes.
Jason’s dad kept the house, but his new girlfriend is living there, and he has a female roommate in another bedroom, so it’s no longer home. We have to knock on the door when we used to just walk in. Jason’s mom is in an one-bedroom apartment which makes for cramped conditions.
The holidays are not easy which is why we try to do something different every year. One year we ran away to the beach and did our own thing without any other family members because it was easier than trying to divide our time.
I don’t have any solutions for you, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone.
(((hugs)))
((hugs)) I don’t really know what to say, I can’t relate at all. Both my and Vic’s parents are still together and the same ol’ holiday traditions from our youth are more or less in tact.
I just want to offer you some big hugs and warm thoughts. And I fully support your decision, should you make it, to start your *own* family traditions with J and his family. However, I know that won’t be easy; to feel like you’re letting your own family down, even if it is for your own sake, joy, and happiness. I have my sticky struggle with the holidays, of which I’m sure I’ll post about soon. ((hugs)) I’m thinking of you!
I like the idea of you and J starting your own traditions, too. You make the holidays what you want (or don’t want). Life is too short.
Much love.
I know… I’m late in commenting… REEEAAALLLL late. Sorry ’bout that. But while I’m at it… dude – you’ve had nothing to say since the end of November? I know I don’t know you all THAT well but I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say you aren’t usually at a loss for words.
Anyhow, on to the comment…
I feel you. I really REALLY do! The split from the childhood home was far tougher on me than I’d like to admit. Especially since I spent so many years building up this fantasy that my home was ever a peaceful safe place to be. It’s tough being a thinking, feeling, loving adult trying to make choices for yourself and your family when the family you were born into turns out to be less than you wished it to be. Holidays only serve to bring that back out to the forefront.
My advice? Make your own family. Try hard to realize, and come to peace with the fact that, what you’re looking for from _them_ no longer exists and your energy should now be channeled into creating for yourself what you wished you had.
but I’m right there with you lady…
oh hon. words can’t even express how i’m feeling after having read this post. i say you create some new traditions. though you are still obligated to spend at least some holiday time with the intruders, there can still be some happiness–something that you and j create on your own.