Watching Grey’s Anatomy tonight with J and I said I identify with Torres and Arizona. “It’s my life.” He got angry and said I always bring that up. (I don’t – I haven’t in awhile. Frankly, I go back and forth.)

One of the characters was shot and lost her uterus in the cleanup.

I found myself wishing the decision was made by something out of my control. Kept this thought to myself. I was already sorry I’d brought anything up, because it clearly irritated him.

It is out of my control. And it’s a painful place to be to feel forced to sometimes wish that decision came from somewhere physically permanent and not just your husband. It would hurt less. There would be less “what if,” maybe.

He left me to watch the last 15 minutes of the episode alone.

Most of the time, I’m OK with this. Most of the time it’s not what I want anymore, and the ache is gone.

Most of the time.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

I’m pretty sure I’ve done this before, but given my blog adventure last year, I’m not sure I’d know where it is. So, borrowed from Cassandra:

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Made a conscious effort to eat more locally. Ran, and plan to again (well, hadn’t done that in 15 years, but that’s pretty close to never). Learned to have the guts to be my own patient advocate.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My “resolution” centered on health, if you recall. All aspects of it. Among other things, I tackled purging things I don’t need (there is still much more to go), coming to terms with a new normal in my physical health, adjusted my perspective on what material-wise and food-wise  I view is healthy, tried to make some progress on the health of my marriage (baby steps), and a whole bunch of other little things. I wasn’t expecting monumental changes, but lots of little changes in lots of areas is a pretty sweeping attitude change. I consider it a success.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, but there are at least a couple of babies coming in 2010 that I’m excited about!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, fortunately, but FAR too many people died who were close to people who were close to me. One degree of separation. Simply, too much pain for too many people I know personally and would not like to see a repeat of in 2010.

5. What countries did you visit?
Nothing new this year, unfortunately, but I WILL make it to the Netherlands in 2010. It may kill my pocketbook.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
An exercise routine that I stick to. I frankly wouldn’t mind being pregnant, but we’re still not actively pursuing that (and I’m ok with it).

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Probably Inauguration Day was the only one – for obvious reasons. My cousin’s wedding. The Sunny Day Real Estate show since I’d wanted to see them for SO long.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Grew a garden. My “resolution” was kind of a big one, in a strange way. Finally got the old tattoo on my ankle covered and got the one I had planned for my 30th birthday, which was 2 years ago, LOL.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not achieving anything bigger in 2009. My weight – after working so hard to lose weight before I went to Europe, I have inched up again. Lesson learned: age and metabolism are not friends. Not taking care of my debt and getting carried away by impulse buys.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, thankfully. Just dealt with what I already have and attempted to manage it. I know what I need to do, it just seems to be up in the air as to whether or not I’ll do it.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My GTI.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
J, who is infinitely patient with my quirkiness, as always.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My mother and her husband. A large number of the people around the Metro DC area. In many cases, I agree with Cassandra about Americans in general – as in the post I referenced in #2.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Debt. Toys.  <- THIS needs to change.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Wonderful things happening for my friends and family.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Unfortunately, anything by Lady Gaga, who I really don’t like.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:?a) happier or sadder? ?b) thinner or fatter? ?c) richer or poorer?
Happier, about the same, about the same.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Had more adventures.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Spending money and eating.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it with my inlaws in North Carolina.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
No. Stayed in love, which is a big thing in and of itself.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Hmmm….I started watching a bunch of new shows this year that I hadn’t before….Mad Men? Biggest Loser?

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate isn’t worth the energy.

25. What was the best book you read?
Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Sparta. Why must I discover bands after they’re already broken up?

27. What did you want and get?
My GTI.

28. What did you want and not get?
There’s always something. New kitchen counters.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Probably “Up”…I did like “New Moon,” but in a hedonist kind of way.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 32. Spent time with my mother, went out to dinner at a new local restaurant. Other than that, I don’t really remember!

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Feeling like I belong somewhere in this world and having something significant to contribute.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Evolving. Found a blog that changed my attitude and have been running with it.

33. What kept you sane?
Having not too much of anything. Not too much work, not too much play….

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No one really.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Marriage equality, I’d say.

36. Who did you miss?
My friends and family who are all over that place that are not HERE.

37. Who was the best new person you met? Why?
Didn’t really meet too many new people, but Facebook continues to be a fun place to reconnect with old friends!

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Just because you CAN have something it doesn’t mean you need to have it or should have it. I hope to apply this more in 2010.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“You set a fire to forget, to burn up all you regret. But really, nothing has changed, today. You can’t go on this way.” – Sparta

Onward and upward, forward is the only way to go. Cheers to 2010.

Landing in Boston – ahhh….good to be home…

One of my cousins got married over the holiday weekend, so we added on some extra time for a little relaxation for ourselves and stayed at a sweet, little B&B with a vineyard. OK, aside from the B&B, there is no such thing as a relaxing vacation where family is involved – at least not my family. “The Family,” as we were described – like The Mafia-  at the reception. Frankly, it’s fitting. Running here, running there, eating, drinking, drama. And since we were in CT, there were a few people I wanted to see….and J was along for the ride, patient as he was.

I wish we could have spent some actual time in Boston.

We just about need a vacation from our vacation.

Maybe next year.

Shoes? Testing…

The beautiful bride and her cutie husband. Welcome to The Family, Will. Fortunately, you know what you’re getting yourself into.

The vineyard at the Fitch Claremont House , as taken when we checked in. Terribly cute B&B, fantastic breakfast, yummy wine, wonderful owners.

Dinner with my boy on the water in Mystic at the S&P Oyster Company. None of The Family attended. Ah. Quiet. (And if you’re ever in the neighborhood, I recommend this place highly)

Really – can’t I just stay here?

I know I’m behind a few days now, picture-wise, but it’s been a crazy week and we’re off on another little adventure this weekend…more on that soon...

Seriously, what girl in her right mind doesn’t love having her hair done? Someone else shampooing it, and cutting/dyeing/styling it so that you walk out of there looking better than you ever could at home on your own.

If you don’t love it, you need to find a new hairdresser.

I’ve been blonde for going on 2 years now. In Amanda-Hair time, that is an eternity. I’ve kept myself entertained with various cuts and growing it out and such, but simply, it’s time.

This is the “Before.” See that slightly smug look and the twinkle of devilish glee? Stay tuned…

11 Sept 09, edited to add:

After – via iPhone at Pilates (mmm, workout clothes…)

….just not feeling bloggy this summer! I’m updating little stuff on Facebook quite a bit, but I haven’t felt like there is anything going on substantial enough to talk about here.
No news is good news – all is status quo….

This has really turned into a blog of snippets – some food here, some knitting there, some randomness elsewhere. It seems when there are bad/stressful things going on, I’m really encouraged to work through them in writing, and when things are status quo or just plain happy, silence is the rule. So, the best way to interpret my non-posting is probably that things are, generally, going well. In catching up on my blog reading, I saw both RoseAnn and Nancy had posted these and thought a general update wouldn’t be such a bad thing….

1. What’s going on in your professional life? How are you liking your job/school? What’s new, what’s good what’s bad, what’s the story?

I don’t talk about work much around here – mostly because I don’t want to deal with the ramifications of it. I live in DC. You can guess who I work for, roughly. Jason works at the same place I do. Frankly, I like my job right now. It’s not my dream job, but it pays well and has good hours (40 on the nose), and I work hard (mostly) and then go home and just be at home. I learn new things. I’m not constantly mentally challenged – but I am constantly challenged by my work environment and by some of the people who work here. I think the biggest thing I can say is that my life is my own now, and my current job enables that. While it’s not perfect and I don’t want to work here forever, it is SUCH a huge blessing. As is having any job at all.

2. What’s going on with your romantic life and or family if you’re married and/or have kids? If you’re married, how are you and your husband getting along? What’s up with him and his life? If you have kids, how are they doing? If you’re in a relationship, how’s that going? If you’re dating, tell us about it!!

Jason and I are coming up on 6 years, May 31st. Reservations are set for our usual Maggiano’s dinner – although really, I’d rather be in Italy again. Can’t believe it’s been a year since we were there. Things have been calm, mostly. Uneventful. I’m slowly migrating towards a path of acceptance. Or, recognizing that that will be the only way forward. For all of my cognizance that you can’t change a person, that certainly hasn’t stopped me – on a subconscious level – from trying. He’s going to be a workaholic. He’s going to stress and obsess over his job. Constantly. Because he’s always so personally vested in it, he’s always going to find some flaw in it. He’ll never keep the house as clean as I like it, or the yard as I like it, or ANYTHING as I like it and, well, frankly, I can and need to step up if I want something done the way I want it done. He cooks me dinner and cleans up every night. When I’m away, he helps keep the house in order so it’s not a disaster when I get back. Among a billion other things. He does a billion things for work, for us, for me. I’m a lucky girl.

June 10th will be 5 months since he’s had a cigarette. “Proud” doesn’t begin to do it justice.

And kids? What kids? While I admit buying a car with 4 doors is part of the “when” scenario, we’re not there. We don’t talk about it. And I’m back to liking things just the way they are. Liking the concept, but probably not the reality of the permanent upheaval. Settled into my ways, more and more? Entirely possible. I’ve always said that if I haven’t had one by the time I’m 35, Game Off. I’m 32 – and there aren’t a lot of 40 week spans left between here and 35. And even if then, there will likely never be a number two.

The kids we DO have? Albert, at 12.5, is mostly blind, arthritic, and….convinced he’s still a puppy. WE hold HIM back. For his own good. He’ll spend the day following us up and down 3 flights of stairs all day, happily. You can’t tell him that he can’t hop up somewhere, or that a long walk is out of the question. He’s Mommy’s Boy. At the rate he’s going, we have this feeling that he’ll just go and go and then, one day, stop. I dread that day, but when it comes, it will be a perfect doggie life lived. Stewie is easing into middle age, well, about as well as ‘Bert does old age. So much energy. Such a “desire” for cleanliness in the world around him, LOL. (I have never seen a dog so intent on licking EVERYTHING) He had plumped up, but more regular walks with Jason have thankfully thinned him down a bit. And the cats? I have no idea how they all manage to be plump on their diet cat food and constantly scurrying – but they do – and aside from that are all healthy and entertaining. Sydney, my calico, surprised me a couple of weeks back by managing to escape from our fenced in yard. 6 foot solid fence. Gate latched. No front claws. We frequently let the cats out there when we’re home and nearby – just letting them sun themselves. Never a problem until this. I went in to sit and read the paper and have coffee, went out to check, and she was gone. Opened the gate and called after searching the yard in a panic, and she comes trotting around the corner, happy as can be. Best I can tell, she must have hopped on something, up to the top ledge, walked all the way around to the end on the side of our neighbor’s unit, and hopped down to the ground…all 6 feet of it. “Escape Kitty” is no longer allowed outside unless someone stands there watching!

3. What’s going on with your family of origin (parents, siblings, etc) and/or extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc)? Are you close to them? Getting along with them? Feel free to share about in-laws if there’s anything going on there.

Things with my family are pretty quiet. My mom continues to have a clean bill of health from the breast cancer (yay!), my brother is still waiting (over 2 years now) for sentencing for his DUI, and my dad and his wife are semi-settled into their new home – still commuting from the north side of Atlanta to the south side of Atlanta until the housing market picks up and they can sell. Mom and her husband adopted a German Shepherd a few months back – Blitz.  He is a rescue in the truest sense – found, near starved to death, in the woods by some hunters. Too weak to stand, they carried him out to a rescue group, who nursed him mostly back to health. He was just a baby, no more than a year or so old, and seemed to have been out there for awhile. Needless to say, he had some issues. Scary issues. With food and with dominance. In fact, they were ready to give him BACK – I told them that if they did, it would be a death sentence for him. No one wants a dog with known issues who bites! I worked with my ex, Marc’s, wife (who works with a Humane Society) to get them tips, tricks, and advice to get their big “puppy” to a more manageable state. And…slow but steady…..success!  He’s still a giant puppy who doesn’t know his own strength, but he’s also now a mama’s boy. I got to meet him on the way down to Atlanta when I took Oliver down….I couldn’t get down and hug him like I like to do with dogs (still cautious…), but he’s beautiful, and he’s safe and happy in one of the best homes an animal can have. Warms my heart.

Blitz – One Lucky Dog

4. What’s going on with your social life? How are you getting along with your friends? Any news on that front you want to share?

My social life….quiet. Cassandra was down for MD Sheep and Wool and came with me to get my tattoo a couple of weeks back….grilled out with our neighbors this weekend….we finally made it up to Bowie after FAR too long to see Pam and Kris for (what used to be) the monthly beer release at DuClaw….I was sweetly asked by a dear friend to be a bridesmaid in her wedding next summer….and the occasional sewing class and semi-regular Wednesday knit night at Knit Happens provide me with just about all the social outlets I need for now. The rest of my friends are spread cross-country and are mostly kept up with via email and Facebook.

Coming to you, ::LIVE:: from Charlotte! In a very short while, I will be expected to answer questions intelligently on subject matter I know precious little about! Nervous? Who, me?

I’m ready to go home!

Before my little adventure here, you may recall there were some things planned for the weekend.  A little of this, a little of that. Cassandra came down from B’more, and we spent a day basking in yarny, sheepy goodness at MD Sheep & Wool. In the rain. I didn’t take any pictures, and frankly, I only bought a little bit of yarn – for a Hanami stole for my cousin’s wedding. I saw some people - not nearly as much as I’d like, but there’s only so much you can do. I met others completely unexpectedly. You can read more about our weekend here, if you’re terribly curious. But, that’s not what you’re here for, is it? You’re wondering “whatever happened to that bare wrist she posted about last week,” aren’t you?

I was expecting the outline to be the hardest part…

I was wrong.

I don’t like needles, and I don’t like them near me. Really. I couldn’t watch. At all.

Cassandra did a great job of just talking about anything to keep me occupied. Jason, I think, didn’t really exactly comprehend my request for babble, or know what to say. Bill-the-Awesome-Tattoo-Guy (I dub thee “BadAssBill”) talked our ears off, and he was hil-arious. Bonus.

Did it hurt? Yes. It felt like getting stabbed with a needle a lot of times, really quickly. Similar to what I remembered from all of those years ago, but probably slightly worse because of the location and the fact that he had to start and stop rather than just keep going because of the lines.

Would I do it again?

(Not the psychological definition)

This is my wrist.

I’ve been planning a tattoo for it for 3…almost 4…years now. Nothing big. Nothing fancy. The goal was my 30th birthday, at the place where I got my first one. The day was busy, and it didn’t happen. That was two years ago.

But today? Today is the day.

I have much more of a concept of permanence with this than I did when I got my others. This will be there for the rest of my existence. It will be part of who I am, not just a pretty little thing that I can take off when I want.
That’s kind of a scary thing.
I want it. I’m in. But it’s a lot to wrap my brain around. Even for a silly little tattoo.

There are a few people doing this one now, and I, too, LOVE it. So, I’m not doing resolutions this year, I’m moving to a theme: Health. The magic word.

I envision this as a tree. You start with the trunk, and Health pertains to so many things – branches. Physical. Environmental. Mental. Emotional. The more shiny, green leaves you have on your branches, the healthier your tree is. And everyone’s definition of those categories of health is slightly different.

With my randomness of unresolved health issues in the past few months (another doctor – gastroenterologist – on Tuesday), I am newly reminded of how we only get one body, and we’d better take care of it. For me, I also don’t like the thought of pumping medication into it constantly. So, we’ll see what the doctor says….if it’s you have this (goal) and so let’s manage it with this and this and this (red alert), we have a problem. Holistic approaches in my future? A nutritionist if it’s IBS? Very possibly. Nothing crazy – if we’re talking life threatening or something that needs to be physically repaired, we’ll do that.

There’s forgiveness. Somewhere around the cruise last May I decided that there was no real point in my weighing 125 lbs anymore. We’re not going all willy nilly here – there’s still some holiday pounds I want to lose – but I’m more interested in how I FEEL. Skinnier is not better. More toned is. So, my dieting is back on – but so is Pilates and walking at the gym, because (despite my complaining), it makes me feel good….physically and mentally. Healthy.

The environment. I think at this point you’d have to have been living in a cave to not be observing the societal press for “green.” I’ve carried reusable shopping bags for a few years now, and the plastic bags we do get are recycled for kitty and doggie “goodness.” I drive a small, efficient car and have no plans on anything much bigger. We recycle bottles, cans, paper…anything we can. How to take it further within my current constraints? As much as I’d like to, I can’t move to the city to be able to walk more and use public transit! But I CAN make a large reduction in the material goods I do have and don’t use, and from there, resolve to use and buy less. I’m not going to be buying whole chickens, cutting them up, and using every last bit anytime soon – but it’s the baby steps. And from there, organizing what I DO have to make it more efficient to use. An added bonus? Buying less means saving more – so I may even get a little more financial health out of the deal.

All of these things tie into my emotional health as well – physically well, surrounded by a healthy environment equals a big part of that. And then there are my relationships – the other part of my emotional health. There is always work to be done. Relationships to nurture, dead wood to cut away, adjustments to priorities in those relationships. At work, at home. Further, on some level, I still view myself as the hapless, friendless, dork of a 10 year old who could still never do anything good enough to please her tough parents. Over New Year’s, my father – the withholder of all praise – said he was proud of me. My mother has said similar things recently. That’s been so healing. And – get this – Facebook. I joined, never thinking it would be anything huge. I have 221 friends.

OK – I’m not trying to play Miss Popularity here, but the point is that it drove home for me that I’m not friendless. And likely, not a dork. Every single person on that list is someone I know, that I wouldn’t mind having a coffee with if I had the chance. Touchpoints of a 31 (almost 32) year history. I can travel to most places in this country (and some in OTHER countries) and know someone there – someone I’d love to catch up with. That’s an amazing thing, and I’m blessed to be able to say that. That realization is a path to improving my emotional health, for sure.

So – this will prove to be an interesting little adventure for 2009. I’m looking forward to it.

And – because I’m too lazy for a second post – a little New Year’s knitting FO:

Pattern: Confection Baby Shrug (rav link)
Size: 12 month
Yarn: Debbie Bliss Cashmerino Aran in Red
Needles: US 8 (5.0mm)
Started: 25 December 2008
Finished: 1 January 2009
Notes:
I am ALWAYS looking for an excuse to use this yarn. Soft! Luscious! Washable! I officially accept the fact that, if necessary, I would knit with nothing but this yarn (all weights are acceptable) and Socks That Rock for the rest of my life. Maybe I should knit a sweater for myself. Hmmm.

Anyway, this sweet little shrug is for Monika‘s little boy Alex. He apparently has a little fleecy, warm bag-thing to sleep in that hangs over his shoulders, but has no sleeves. Can you imagine? As newly-minted Canadian residents, this is simply not acceptable. It’s darn cold up there. So, I’m hoping this will keep him warm and snuggly through the rest of the winter.

The only modifications I did to this were to remove the eyelet detail (too girly) and to make the sleeves a smidge long to cover his hands, if needed. It’s just the cutest fast knit. I frankly want one for me.

Happy One Week Into the New Year! It’s a good thing “Timely” is not my word for this year…