I just finished reading this blog entry and it got me thinking. I have spent my entire adult life trying to be equal, trying to be a feminist. To wander about in a career world led by men (particularly in my original field) without being considered inferior because of my age, gender, or both. In my personal life, above all, to NOT DEPEND ON A MAN. Even in my marriage, I see that I withhold. If I give in, if I depend on someone, I will get hurt. I am not equal unless I fight for it. At any point in time, I must be ready to look out for number one, because no one is going to look out for me but me. And slowly, I think that that has been what’s been set up. Drifting in a direction of every man for themselves.

And more importantly, that’s not what I want.

Thank you, equality and feminism. Thank you for teaching me that I must constantly fight, even with the people that care about me and who I care about the most, to jockey for this intangible position of equality and independence. You know, because a predetermined, predefined field  is the one we should all play on. It’s the one we’re pushed to fight on, whether we realize it or not. We all have concepts of roles we and others should play and force them on those around us, whether we know it or they see it or not. But, fundamentally, is there anything wrong with roles?

C Jane is right – life is not fair. Life is not equal. Even in economics, specialization of labor is a key tenet. We can’t all be good at everything.  Plato believed in a natural inequality of humanity. We’re even designed differently physically. Roles exist for a reason. That’s not to say I can’t be just as fantastic at something as my male counterpart, but that there are plenty of things that certain people (men, women, cats, alligators) can do better than me and vice versa. So, yes – there is nothing wrong with serving a role. Predefining that role – more likely a problem.

So, now what? How do I make myself – trained so hard and constantly for so long – align with this newfound logic and stop competing with everyone for everything? To define and accept roles and quit fighting for what I think I should have, because maybe I shouldn’t, and maybe if I had it, I wouldn’t want it anyway.

Can I?

Well, there’s no going back now. This isn’t much of a date night, either, as everything mostly has to go on serially. So, Jason ripped out a wall, and I followed behind occasionally with the ShopVac and tried not to scream at sudden loud noises and walls trembling. Tomorrow when it’s a little warmer & I can open the doors, I’ll polyurethane the new vanity while he rips out the floor.

Romantic evening at home!

Things we’ve learned so far about stupid construction and former owner’s crappy previous “renovation”:

1. What do you do when you accidentally order a countertop 1/2″ too long? You could send it back, but why? Just cut a hole in the wall and wedge it in. If you caulk the crap out of it, no one will figure it out until 20 years later when they try to update it.

2. If you can’t get enough nails in to secure a wall stud and have access to the other side of the wall, why not add some nails there? Nails hammered in from every direction imaginable just serve to make the wall extradoublestable and secure!

3. Got leftover pegboard? Need to level a floor? Or – just need to get rid of the pegboard? Why not cut it up and screw it into the subfloor before you put cheap laminate sticky tiles down!

4. Didn’t cut said cheap laminate sticky tiles the right size? No matter! You can caulk them to the toilet. So then, when you try and remove the toilet, you get the added efficiency of ripping out entire sections of flooring!

No matter! You have to get up pret-ty early in the morning to foil Amanda and Jason! And, I’ve been watching videos all day on how to (in about 4 different methods) patch holes of any size and shape in drywall. So, former idiot owner and construction company? Go on. Bring it.

The wall’s out and the house is still standing.

…is one more post than I’ve made lately.  (A quiz Mindy posted)

1) What would you call yourself if you could choose your own name? Kate

2) What was your worst date (as in going out on a date, not an actual calendar date…unless you have a really bad one to share)? I can honestly say I’ve never been on a bad date. Not a one. I’ve had ones where it was clear there wouldn’t be a second, but nothing out-and-out bad.

3) If you had to teach one subject in high school or college, what would it be? Math. Preferably Calculus. (My AP Calc teacher would laugh his butt off if he saw this!)

4) When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried? A couple of weeks ago, in the car on the way home. It was some stupid joke I made that got Jason laughing and just got  “worse” from there.

5) What is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for you? Wow. There are so many things that people have done for me, big and small, friends and family. I guess I’d have to take it from the top: my mom gave me my life.

6) If money or skill-set was no issue, what would you love to do for a living? I still wouldn’t mind being a ballerina. Or teaching Pilates. Or running a B&B. Or doing something crafty.

7) What is one thing as an adult/parent/spouse you do that you swore you would never do? I make up stupid songs about things to get a laugh. I’ll do any of a number of stupid things to get a laugh out of Jason, and I fully expect to do the same for my kids. Just like my mom did for me that I rolled my eyes at and swore it was so stupid I’d never do it.

If you could go back to one particular time in your life (not to live, not to change anything, just to visit) when would it be? College. Undergrad.

9) If your walls could talk, what would they say about you (good & bad)? They would ask why I couldn’t just be happy with the color I’ve painted them and to quit changing it. And why I can’t just be content with everything and stop pushing everything and everyone (including myself) to meet higher standards.

10) If you could fix or put an end to one problem in the world what would it be? Wastefulness. We are ruining our planet with the things we do to it and the lives we live.

I’m pretty sure I’ve done this before, but given my blog adventure last year, I’m not sure I’d know where it is. So, borrowed from Cassandra:

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Made a conscious effort to eat more locally. Ran, and plan to again (well, hadn’t done that in 15 years, but that’s pretty close to never). Learned to have the guts to be my own patient advocate.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My “resolution” centered on health, if you recall. All aspects of it. Among other things, I tackled purging things I don’t need (there is still much more to go), coming to terms with a new normal in my physical health, adjusted my perspective on what material-wise and food-wise  I view is healthy, tried to make some progress on the health of my marriage (baby steps), and a whole bunch of other little things. I wasn’t expecting monumental changes, but lots of little changes in lots of areas is a pretty sweeping attitude change. I consider it a success.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, but there are at least a couple of babies coming in 2010 that I’m excited about!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, fortunately, but FAR too many people died who were close to people who were close to me. One degree of separation. Simply, too much pain for too many people I know personally and would not like to see a repeat of in 2010.

5. What countries did you visit?
Nothing new this year, unfortunately, but I WILL make it to the Netherlands in 2010. It may kill my pocketbook.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
An exercise routine that I stick to. I frankly wouldn’t mind being pregnant, but we’re still not actively pursuing that (and I’m ok with it).

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Probably Inauguration Day was the only one – for obvious reasons. My cousin’s wedding. The Sunny Day Real Estate show since I’d wanted to see them for SO long.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Grew a garden. My “resolution” was kind of a big one, in a strange way. Finally got the old tattoo on my ankle covered and got the one I had planned for my 30th birthday, which was 2 years ago, LOL.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not achieving anything bigger in 2009. My weight – after working so hard to lose weight before I went to Europe, I have inched up again. Lesson learned: age and metabolism are not friends. Not taking care of my debt and getting carried away by impulse buys.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, thankfully. Just dealt with what I already have and attempted to manage it. I know what I need to do, it just seems to be up in the air as to whether or not I’ll do it.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My GTI.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
J, who is infinitely patient with my quirkiness, as always.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My mother and her husband. A large number of the people around the Metro DC area. In many cases, I agree with Cassandra about Americans in general – as in the post I referenced in #2.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Debt. Toys.  <- THIS needs to change.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Wonderful things happening for my friends and family.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Unfortunately, anything by Lady Gaga, who I really don’t like.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:?a) happier or sadder? ?b) thinner or fatter? ?c) richer or poorer?
Happier, about the same, about the same.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Had more adventures.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Spending money and eating.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it with my inlaws in North Carolina.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
No. Stayed in love, which is a big thing in and of itself.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Hmmm….I started watching a bunch of new shows this year that I hadn’t before….Mad Men? Biggest Loser?

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate isn’t worth the energy.

25. What was the best book you read?
Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Sparta. Why must I discover bands after they’re already broken up?

27. What did you want and get?
My GTI.

28. What did you want and not get?
There’s always something. New kitchen counters.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Probably “Up”…I did like “New Moon,” but in a hedonist kind of way.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 32. Spent time with my mother, went out to dinner at a new local restaurant. Other than that, I don’t really remember!

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Feeling like I belong somewhere in this world and having something significant to contribute.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Evolving. Found a blog that changed my attitude and have been running with it.

33. What kept you sane?
Having not too much of anything. Not too much work, not too much play….

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No one really.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Marriage equality, I’d say.

36. Who did you miss?
My friends and family who are all over that place that are not HERE.

37. Who was the best new person you met? Why?
Didn’t really meet too many new people, but Facebook continues to be a fun place to reconnect with old friends!

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Just because you CAN have something it doesn’t mean you need to have it or should have it. I hope to apply this more in 2010.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“You set a fire to forget, to burn up all you regret. But really, nothing has changed, today. You can’t go on this way.” – Sparta

Onward and upward, forward is the only way to go. Cheers to 2010.

I kind of doubt that I’m unique as the adult child of divorced parents who isn’t totally comfortable with this “holiday”concept. Maybe the slightly rarer detail is that my parents have been divorced since I’ve been an adult, but frankly, in this case, I actually think that makes this aspect worse. I get all of the awkwardness of new family units, all of the jealousy of parents forced to split time with their children, and none of the joys stemming from the creation of memories with some “new” family unit founded (disturbingly) at some point during my childhood. Translation: I’m lucky if only one parent is jealous of the time the other has been allotted for any given holiday, I always feel like a stranger in either parent’s home, and all the while, there are kooky reminders of what “used to be.”

This holiday – and actually, frankly, quite a few holidays – one parent gets worked up in some passive-aggressive manner about the time spent with the other parent, while the second parent really doesn’t “get” any of it. Maybe this was a symptom of the failure of their marriage to begin with, but I digress. I sit at my father’s house, the passing of hours punctuated by the same grandfather clock that punctuated the hours of my youth. Days are filled with the same car-care, home improvement activities of my youth. The same evening rounds of James Bond, the same beer brewing sessions. But the home in which all of this occurs? Bears no resemblance to my own. There is no comfort here. It’s like a hotel where they moved in all of the activities and occasional samples of some far-distant, fake home.

Continental breakfast is served at 7am.

The other home? Another hotel. This hotel feels more like home in some aspects. The meals I’m fed warm my stomach and soul in the same way as the holiday meals of my childhood, but there’s something not quite right. There are just enough things in this home that make it not quite home. Things that are not ours. Mine. Uneasy.

And every year, I fight this split. Manage and minimize feelings. Part of me cries on the inside because none of this….none of this….is a family holiday anymore. “Home is where the heart is” is a truer than true cliche, but for either parent to think they, alone, harbor that home, is simply naive. Holidays now are fractured, horrific, and sad – while everyone wanders around acting like it’s “OK.” And likely, for my parents in their new lives, new homes, with new spouses, it IS ok – and they want me to share in that. I don’t begrudge them that. But it’s not a drag and drop. These homes, these people – they are not my family. They are intruders. Necessary intruders to be managed. At least one of them doesn’t get that – while I’m happy for them – it’s never the same. It’s all obligation. Management. Someone is always unhappy. And – it’s usually not me. Because at this point, I’m mostly numb to it.

Family holidays that aren’t family and are only holidays because the calendar dictates.

More and more it makes me want to leave it all, have my own family and my own traditions. Or, insert myself into J’s family where the traditions are comprehensive, in one tight little bundle rather than spread over two households and two states.

Can you blame me?

I’m 32 and I’m the adult child of divorced parents.

What’s your favorite article of clothing?
** My new jeans from Mark Shale in Chicago that I wore in the photo shoot.

Who was the last person you hugged?
*** My ‘Bert (I don’t care that he’s not technically a person).

What’s your favorite dinner?
*** Tapas or Thai – toss up!

What was the last thing you bought?
*** Coffees for J and I at Dunkin this morning.

What are you listening to right now?
*** Sounds of the office….

What is your favorite weather?
*** Bright, crisp, fall weather.  (<- I second you, Nancy!)

What is your least favorite season?
*** Gray, freezing winter weather.  (<- On this too!)

Who do you admire the most?
*** I admire various people for various reasons.

Say something to the person who tagged you:
*** Nancy is one of the most determined, upbeat people I know.

What is your favorite dessert or cool treat?
*** Not a sweets fan.
What did you want to be as a child?
*** A ballerina, a lawyer, an architect, and an electrical engineer – in that order.

What do you want to be now?
*** Content with my life now, wherever “now” happens to be.

What is your favorite song?
***I don’t actually have one right this second. I’m looking to listen to something new and haven’t found *it* yet!

Which is you favorite country/state, and why?
*** Country – Italy or France.  For a state, I’d have to say Massachusetts.

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
*** Shopping. Can I have some money to spend, too?

What are your most challenging goals right now?
*** As always – finances and eating habits.

What is your 5 year plan?
*** Hmm. 37. Ouch. Somewhere in a college town, far from DC, probably with a similar job to mine now, one kid, cute old house with a decent yard, miscellaneous pets.

What is your favorite sport to watch?
*** I don’t have a favorite sport, but I like watching Purdue football and Red Sox baseball.

What show would you want to be a cast member on (reality included)?
*** Dancing with the Stars

What is your most prized possession?
*** My sanity. Most of the time. My health. All of the time.

Name one favorite childhood memory.
*** Camping with my family in East Hampton.

What is your favorite book of the Bible?
*** N/A

What is your favorite quote?
*** ” I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my own ship.” – Louisa May Alcott

….but, yeaaaaah….I’m gonna….

(Sorry to anyone who saw this on Facebook already. We’re pretty excited about how they came out!)

How I spend a nice bit of my morning. Red lights that go on…and on….and on…..

No picture for today – spent the day alternately worrying about ‘Bert and tending to post-op ‘Bert.  We may be broke for a bit, but there is no price we won’t pay for a healthy ‘Bert.

Cone free Bert a few weeks ago…

He is worth every penny.

With a clean yard and a beautiful morning, time to take Sunday breakfast outside. I made apple cinnamon pancakes – including two little ones for two certain canines. Yum.